Letter #55 Oh, to sleep forever
This is a short read. I was just telling Chloe how I would much rather sleep than enjoy the company of friends. At this point in my journey, sleep was my friend. It kept the hurt and tears away. Even today, I find myself just wanting to sleep. Sometimes, forever.
In this letter, I am telling Chloe about Italian night. While typing, I realized that I’ve mentioned Asian night, now Italian night without explaining how those “nights” came to be. Well, before Chlo Belle went to heaven, we would frequent Mexican restaurants with our friends. You know, a few chips, salsa, and margaritas never hurt anyone! Well, after Chloe went to heaven, I couldn’t bring myself to go out, so our friends brought Mexican to the house. Everyone brought a Mexican dish and we just had “Mexican Night” at home. So that’s how it all started.
January 15, 2011
Well, Chloe, it is Saturday afternoon and we are going over to Mrs. Kerri’s for Italian night. I don’t know why, but I just don’t want to go. I feel very anxious. I don’t want to do anything but curl up in the bed. I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I have taken all my medicines and should be excited about spending time with friends. Where does the anxiety come from and why won’t it leave me alone?! I always feel like a “downer”. You know, the sad person in the room that is quiet and nobody knows what to say to them. I am going to go and try to have a good time, but if I could, I would just go to sleep. It doesn’t hurt when I sleep. I am not anxious and itchy when I sleep. I just want to sleep. Forget the world for a while and just sleep. If I didn’t have Daddy, Joseph, and Zach, I could sleep forever. Why bother waking up? I could sleep forever and be with you. I miss you so much. I still can’t believe you are gone. Again, Chloe, I am sorry for failing you and ruining our family. I just want you back.
Well, Italian night was a success, I guess. It took a couple of glasses of wine to loosen me up, but all I wanted to do was come home to you. We had several good laughs, but you were always in the back of my mind. I am so glad to finally be home so I can cuddle with my pillow and close my eyes. I can cry if I want to and no one has to know. I don’t have to force any more smiles. I can just lay here and cry my heart out for my baby girl that I miss so much. I love you.