Letter #61 Thinking of you

This is a rambling letter, full of crazy emotion. Some of it remains true today. Thinking of Chloe is still painful, but it has gotten easier to push her memory aside. Perhaps that’s not a good thing. The daily “visions” I speak of no longer haunt me today. For that, I am grateful.
March 22, 2011
Dear Chloe,
I know it seems like I don’t write often anymore. It’s not because I don’t think of you. I think of you all the time. I just avoid writing because it has become too painful. At one time, I thought it was a great idea. It would be a good way to get things off my chest. It would be a way for me to feel closer to you. But honestly, Chloe, the pain is still there. Writing sometimes makes it worse because I start it think. I’m ok if I don’t think. I’m tired of that, Chloe! I am tired of surviving by not thinking of you. I look at your pictures in the hallway – your Chloe wall that I created. I just stand there and take in your beauty. But it is painful. It brings me to a dark place so I move on and think of something else. I spend every morning getting ready and trying my best not to think of you. Sometimes I think I hear you on the monitor waking up. Nope! Don’t think about her! In the shower, I think about you every time I wash my face. When I run the water over my face, I think how you must have felt with the water in your face and you unable to escape from it. Daily, I see visions of you going under the water and gasping for air. I wonder what you were thinking. Where’s my mommy to pull me out and save me? I wonder what it must have felt like struggling for air and getting nothing but lungs full of water. I wonder how long it took for you to pass out. Did you feel pain? Fear? I think of these things daily. But then I push them out of my mind.”must be able to function at work. Can’t think of Chloe now.” I think of you after I’m ready for work. In a perfect world I would then get you up and dressed. But no. Our world is no longer perfect. “Don’t think of her now. Can’t get upset before work.” Chloe, when will I be able to think about my daughter without feeling so much pain and having an anxiety attack? When will we be able to enjoy your memory rather than brace ourselves for it? I spend so much time pushing you out of my mind just to function, that I am afraid of forgetting you. I don’t want to forget anything about you.
I am sitting outside in the warm sun. It reminds me of my last days with you. Warm, and always outside. I expect to hear or see you, but nothing. I still can’t believe you are gone. I feel our family was teased. Given a perfect little girl to fall in love with, only to have her taken away. Before you, Chloe, we were happy with our family of four. But now we feel like something is missing. I have entertained the crazy thought of having another baby, but what would that fix? It wouldn’t be you. Maybe it would help fill this huge void that we now feel. Funny how it was never there before you came.
Your birthday is soon, just a couple of weeks away. We were planning on having a garden party in your memory. I got the idea from my friend Nicole. She has a little son up in heaven with you. Anyway, we thought about inviting people to drop by the house to celebrate your memory. They have been asked to bring something for your garden, a plant, birdhouse…we are going to move your house outside that day, Chloe. Do you think that will be alright? I hate to see it leave your playroom, but I think it would be a beautiful centerpiece for your garden. I don’t know why the thought of moving your house hurts so much. I guess because it feels so final. I’m not ready for anything to be final. I just want you back, Chlobelle, I just want you back.
Love, Mommy
Me too, Chloe! I miss you, Daddy.